Old Man McGumbus, 99 years old and retired World War II fighter pilot, organized a rally outside of Jack Hempstan’s establishment, The Shelter Island Book and Coffee Shop. McGumbus has a very public feud with Hempstan, and calls him, “The owner of the headquarters of the hippie menace that is destroying America.” McGumbus and 15 other men who are all members of the Shelter Island Assault Rifle Owners Club, of which McGumbus is the President and C.E.O., were all holding signs that read, “Go home hippies” and “This is America! Are You Kidding Me?” while chanting out the words, “What do we want? The hippies gone! When do we want it? Now!” Hempstan then, in what appeared to be a sign of truce, offered a plate of freshly made brownies from his establishment. Not one to say no to a brownie, McGumbus and his men happily ate, when suddenly all of his men started to burst into laughter and began singing the song “Kumbaya.” Realizing the treacherous trick, McGumbus, while hysterically laughing, walked into the Shelter Island Book and Coffee Shop and lunged at Hempstan. The two men wrestled around the establishment and while all this took place, the other men outside entered the store and began eating ice-cream milkshakes which the Shelter Island Book and Coffee Shop is known for. When police arrived, they found McGumbus holding Hempstan in a headlock and 14 members of the Shelter Island Assault Rifle Owners Club asleep on the floor with chocolate around their lips. While being arrested, McGumbus was heard yelling, “So help me, I will stop this hippie infection from spreading any further through my town!” You can watch the entire ordeal on the Internet as many hipsters inside the store videoed it with their cellphones.Granted, if he is a fantasy he is a fantasy with (as of this writing) 504 Google hits.
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Rumble in the Hamptons, Maybe
My friend the Crank directs me to a item from a local rag out in the Hamptons,which I cheerfully reprint here despite a nagging suspicion that it just might be a fantasy to astonish the yokels: