Things Keene Could Buy Instead of a Tank
Tell homeland security just to give you the $285,933. Then--
238 fully functional combat-ready rifle
3,212 cases of Pol Roger Champagne Brut Rose 2002 750M
6,086 five-pound bags of Haribo Gummi Candy Gold-Bears, 5-Pound Bag
3,074 bus tickets to Boston (advanced purchase)
1,388 bus tickets to Boston (same day)
Full tuition for 31 students at Plymouth State University
4,539 boxes of Gerber baby formula
4.39 police squad cars (mid price)
One fire truck (ding dong condition)
Dinner for 7,418 at Keene's finest restaurant (estimated; negotiable)
2 comments:
Hey, if you have a tank, the terrorists who have put Keene high on their priorities list will counter with molotov cocktails and grenades. To fend off people approaching with molotov cocktails and grenades, the tank will have to be equipped with a 50 caliber machine gun or maybe a flamethrower. To avoid the machine gun bullets and the flames, the invading terrorists will bring their own tanks and flamethrowers to Keene. Ultimately, the only way to defeat those terrorists will be with tactical nukes. That may kill the entire population of Keene and flatten the town, but to paraphrase what somebody said during the Viet Nam war, sometimes you have to destroy everybody in a village to save them.
Crankily yours,
The New York Crank
I live about 60 miles north of Keene, and I'm concerned enough about Keene that I'm about to email my selectmen that we HAVE to do something in response. Otherwise, Keeniacs will be able to just roll in and grab whatever they want!
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