Newsbreak

Anna Quindlen finally say something smart:

I would be the most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves.

Hearwarming Nativity Report

A Woman Named Mary Is With Child, But Not by Act of Man - A Top Secret Report on the Means by Which Vice President Cheney's Lesbian Daughter Became Pregnant."

Link here. This guy is good. Thanks, Sally.

No Accounting for Tastes

From the NYT obit of "Ruth Webb, Talent Agent Who Revived Flagging Careers." Apparently Ms. Webb represented, inter alia, Tonya Harding, "the figure skater disgraced by her role in the attack on Nancy Kerrigan." And:

Ms. Harding was offerd a Woody Allen movie, but turned it down, saying she abhorred the director's morals.

Nothing Personal, I Suppose...

Language notes from all over:

At the cashier’s post in a restaurant outside Fresno the other day, I said

--How’s your day going so far?

She gave me a guarded look for a moment, then broke into what I am pleased to call a lascivious wink.

Well, hey. But a moment later she pointed to the cardboard Santa. She smiled again--more sedately this time-- and said

--Christmas decorations!

Oh, got it. She doesn’t speak English, or not enough for “How’s your day going so far?” So I revised:

--Have a nice day.
--You too.

Well, I enjoyed the lascivious wink.

Still Working on This One

You can attribute this to the British actress of your choice. She and her mates were doing a script-read around the table one day when the new boy came in. My, I'd like to take that home, said the Great Lady. Oh, I don't think so, said our reconteur, I don't think he bats for our team, if you get my meaning. I will bet you a pound, said the Great Lady, that I will have my way with him.

Our raconteur figured he had lost the bet when he saw the two leave the reading together. But the next day the Great Lady swooped in and announced:

"I owe you 17 shillings sixpence."

An Appealing Half-Truth

Actually, I was a screw-up in high school...

You paid attention during 100% of high school!

85-100% You must be an autodidact, because American high schools don't get scores that high! Good show, old chap!

Do you deserve your high school diploma?
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...I guess I'll have to fall back on the "autodidact" part. Hat tip: Tigerhawk.

Tedious Afterthought: I wonder how many high-school screwups would nonetheless score well on this test? Is there a pattern here?

The Cycle of Employment

[I thought I posted this last summer, but I find a copy among my unpublished drafts, so I'll try it again:]

Reflecting on my observations about English majors, I am reminded of the life cycle of employment as propounded by my friend Mary:

The waitresses want to be beauticians.
The beauticians want to be real estate agents.
The real estate agents want to be lawyers.
The lawyers want to own restaurants.

Did I mention that Mary is a lawyer. And a dynamite cook.