The only improvement I can suggest is that he needs to work in the passive voice, as in "the deed was done" or perhaps the ever popular "sorry if someone was offended."10. Someone snuck into my house and edited the file while I was in the shower. So sue me!
9. Out of loyalty to my hard-working graduate students, I refuse to pin the blame on them, even though it’s their fault. I take full responsibility.
8. Even a monkey typing at random, if he were to write more than 160 papers and five books, might occasionally To be or not to be, that is the qjuiosusdfu79lkjew.
7. I didn’t plagiarize them, they anticipated me!
6. If I don’t publish a new article or book this year, a puppy will die. Sorry—that’s just the way it is.
>5. Sure, I could’ve copied the original document word-for-word, but that would’ve been really boring. Also, I changed the font,
4. Nobody complained when Dr. King did it.
3. Hey—look over there! Is that a yellow-bellied sapsucker?
2. Somebody hacked my twitter account.< 1. Clippy!
Afterthought: I had completely forgotten Clippy. But I think this guy ought to be tied to an anthill and covered with honey.